There Is No Good Card for This: What to Say and Do When Life is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love by Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell (HarperOne, 2017), 272 pages
Many of life's challenges can be devastating, such as the death of a loved one, a serious illness, or losing a job. When someone we care about faces one of these awful challenges, we can feel powerless and inadequate to help. Often, we don't know what to say, and we don't know what to do.
Many ministers receive specialized training to help them navigate these situations with compassion and confidence. Personally, I cherish the unit of Clinical Pastoral Education that I took years ago, and still draw on many of its lessons today. It was especially useful to help me learn how to be spiritually present with someone suffering by making sure my own emotional baggage does not get in the way.
Not all ministers, and few lay leaders, have such training. Instead, they simply rely on their experience and the examples of others. There Is No Good Card for This offers a thorough resource to guide people in offering support to people facing awful situations and heartaches. It is filled with practical insights and suggestions, backed by sound research and experience, offered in straightforward language.
It is a secular approach, though it resonated with much that I learned in my spiritual education and training. It also has a light and occasionally whimsical touch, which makes the subject seem more manageable and made the book easier to read cover-to-cover. This combination is due to the co-authors, Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell. In addition to bringing their own experiences as cancer survivors, they offer the best of their respective professions. Crowe has a Ph.D. in social welfare from UC-Berkley, while McDowell is a writer and illustrator who specializes in creating greeting cards.
The book is broken into three distinct sections: first, the basics of offering a supportive presence; second, three key components of presence; and third, important "dos" and "don'ts."
The first section provides a crash course of what every ministry chaplain needs to learn to be able to support people in a variety of challenging situations. You need to admit that you have your own issues, which can be triggered by someone else's situation and which can greatly impact how you view their situation. While you cannot get rid of these things, your awareness can help you to separate your stuff from the emotional issues the person you want to support is facing.
The second section is the heart of the book. It identifies three key components of supportive presence: overcoming your own fear of inadequacy, listening, and celebrating the impact of small actions. When I work with elders in my congregation on visiting people in the hospital or who are home-bound, I basically try to teach them these three things too. You don't have to be an expert therapist or experienced pastor to support someone who is having a hard time: you just need to be willing to make a connection. You don't need to worry as much about what to say as about being willing to lovingly listen. And you should never feel like you are anyone's only support, but by doing one or two things can become a valuable part of someone's network of care.
The third section offers some well-founded insights on some basic things to try, as well as some to carefully avoid, when trying to support someone facing a challenge. This part may also have the most explicit mention of religion, as a what not to do: do not assume that your own theological beliefs are the same as those of the person you are supporting. If you have a close relationship, you may know the other person's beliefs; otherwise -- and this is even true in some church settings -- it is better to listen more about the person's faith rather than make assumptions.
Throughout, this is a book of encouragement that helps people eliminate the guilt they feel when trying to support someone else. It also admits that there are times and situations where we may not be able to help, owing to our own needs. In many ways, it exemplifies the philosophy shared in one of the practical chapters: "small gestures make a big difference."
Overall, this is an excellent book, and I highly recommend it to anyone striving to be more confident and better equipped when reaching out to support someone facing hard times. If I could quibble, I would suggest there are a few more positive examples of faith actions that are useful in times of support, including many forms of prayer. Even so, there is a wealth of wisdom here for people of faith reaching out to support and care for others.
Many of life's challenges can be devastating, such as the death of a loved one, a serious illness, or losing a job. When someone we care about faces one of these awful challenges, we can feel powerless and inadequate to help. Often, we don't know what to say, and we don't know what to do.
Many ministers receive specialized training to help them navigate these situations with compassion and confidence. Personally, I cherish the unit of Clinical Pastoral Education that I took years ago, and still draw on many of its lessons today. It was especially useful to help me learn how to be spiritually present with someone suffering by making sure my own emotional baggage does not get in the way.
Not all ministers, and few lay leaders, have such training. Instead, they simply rely on their experience and the examples of others. There Is No Good Card for This offers a thorough resource to guide people in offering support to people facing awful situations and heartaches. It is filled with practical insights and suggestions, backed by sound research and experience, offered in straightforward language.
It is a secular approach, though it resonated with much that I learned in my spiritual education and training. It also has a light and occasionally whimsical touch, which makes the subject seem more manageable and made the book easier to read cover-to-cover. This combination is due to the co-authors, Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell. In addition to bringing their own experiences as cancer survivors, they offer the best of their respective professions. Crowe has a Ph.D. in social welfare from UC-Berkley, while McDowell is a writer and illustrator who specializes in creating greeting cards.
The book is broken into three distinct sections: first, the basics of offering a supportive presence; second, three key components of presence; and third, important "dos" and "don'ts."
The first section provides a crash course of what every ministry chaplain needs to learn to be able to support people in a variety of challenging situations. You need to admit that you have your own issues, which can be triggered by someone else's situation and which can greatly impact how you view their situation. While you cannot get rid of these things, your awareness can help you to separate your stuff from the emotional issues the person you want to support is facing.
The second section is the heart of the book. It identifies three key components of supportive presence: overcoming your own fear of inadequacy, listening, and celebrating the impact of small actions. When I work with elders in my congregation on visiting people in the hospital or who are home-bound, I basically try to teach them these three things too. You don't have to be an expert therapist or experienced pastor to support someone who is having a hard time: you just need to be willing to make a connection. You don't need to worry as much about what to say as about being willing to lovingly listen. And you should never feel like you are anyone's only support, but by doing one or two things can become a valuable part of someone's network of care.
The third section offers some well-founded insights on some basic things to try, as well as some to carefully avoid, when trying to support someone facing a challenge. This part may also have the most explicit mention of religion, as a what not to do: do not assume that your own theological beliefs are the same as those of the person you are supporting. If you have a close relationship, you may know the other person's beliefs; otherwise -- and this is even true in some church settings -- it is better to listen more about the person's faith rather than make assumptions.
Throughout, this is a book of encouragement that helps people eliminate the guilt they feel when trying to support someone else. It also admits that there are times and situations where we may not be able to help, owing to our own needs. In many ways, it exemplifies the philosophy shared in one of the practical chapters: "small gestures make a big difference."
Overall, this is an excellent book, and I highly recommend it to anyone striving to be more confident and better equipped when reaching out to support someone facing hard times. If I could quibble, I would suggest there are a few more positive examples of faith actions that are useful in times of support, including many forms of prayer. Even so, there is a wealth of wisdom here for people of faith reaching out to support and care for others.
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